The Beginning of Forgiveness

This was my very first blog post back in June 2019 - thanks to HGP - tribe of Scribes for encouraging me!

Currently, I’m in a season of forgiveness. But what does forgiveness actually look like? For me, it’s extending grace. Extending the same amount of grace that God gives me each and every day, to others. In particular, my dad. For the last six months, I have been actively working towards truly forgiving my dad for not being there for me growing up, while also building a relationship with him at the same time. It has been a struggle. But, there’s grace. I always figured I’m okay without a dad in my life. He missed out, “Imma do me” and keep it moving. The truth is, I needed a father growing up. I needed reassurance that I was worthy of being loved. I needed security and protection from a father. Not from the men I was sexually involved with. I needed closure and to hear “you’re beautiful” from my dad. I needed someone to hold me tightly in their arms and kiss me on the forehead each night before bed. Someone to read me stories and tuck me in. I needed someone to help me buy my first car and to help me move into my dorm room freshmen year of college. 

Although my earthly father wasn’t there, my heavenly father was. He always showers me in his love. He always provides for me. He always keeps me safe. He always tells me I’m beautiful, worthy and loved. He always wraps me in His arms and tells me stories in my dreams. He was right there with me when I signed the contract for my car and he was there with me from the beginning of college to the end. God has never left my side and he continues to show me grace each and every day. 

God has never given up on me, and neither has my earthly father. My dad would reach out to me via text, phone call and write me letters. But I never responded. Why? Because momma raised me to be a strong, black, independent woman, just like her. Then my counselor (Thank God for Christian Counseling) told me, “The reason you don’t trust God 100% is because you don’t trust men, and God is a man”. Chile…my mind was blown. I can’t trust God!? Who does that? I was terrified, but I finally responded to my dad’s text message, Christmas Day 2018. I didn’t say much. I actually didn’t say anything at all. I just responded with a picture of me and my brother that we took two weeks prior. My dad was so excited that he went to Walmart (because who else is open on Christmas Day) and printed the picture out, bought an 8×10 picture frame and responded back to me, holding the picture up with the biggest smile on his face. I knew right then, “it’s about to get real”. God has literally been reconstructing my heart when it comes to my dad. A year ago, I wouldn’t even say his name. I would call him “my mom’s sperm donor”. Now, he texts me every single day (and I respond), he calls me every weekend and he talks to me about God. He received Christ the last time he was in prison and decided he can’t continue to go down the wrong path, and that he wanted his kids back in his life.

Tonight, June 29, 2019, I saw him for the first time since May 9, 2014 (my college graduation). My mom even allowed my brother to come with me. He was so happy. The moment we walked in the door, he jumped up and hugged us both with that same big smile from Christmas Day. I am forever grateful for God’s love and forgiveness because I am not perfect, and I make mistakes daily. I’m just thankful for His grace. 

Song of the day: